THE CHEESEBURGER EQUATION

800px-cheeseburger

I do not trust anyone who doesn’t like cheeseburgers. It’s pretty simple: if you’re too uptight to enjoy the combination of bun, burger and cheese – augmented maybe with some onions and a pickle, and a dash of ketchup – then you are a joyless, life-hating idiot. You can bet the kind of person who is too uptight to eat a food that needs to picked up and will get their hands dirty is hung up on a bunch of other crap. These are the kind of people who probably think sex is dirty and don’t like getting drunk. There are no excuses. Vegetarian? Have a veggieburger. Here does good ones. Keep Kosher? Ditto. Or just hold the cheese. Let’s not be too dogmatic here. And if you’re one of the miniscule amount of white people who’re genuinely lactose intolerant and not just neurotic, then, again, skip the cheese. Asians get a pass on this, too. But then if you’re happy to eat chicken feet and dog in your diet, it’s safe to say that you probably aren’t too uptight.

Anyway, let’s be clear: cheeseburgers rule.

Michael Burka

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